Dear Spell Check,
I am writing to you because it is apparent that you need to be called out on your behavior. The lies and misinformation you’ve been spreading around are disgusting, and I’m not going to let it slide this time. You’ve made everyone think you’re so perfect. You have everyone relying on you for your advice when, in all actuality, you aren’t nearly what you make yourself out to be.
This letter is to let you know that you’ve been caught. I am demanding that you come clean about everything, especially to my brother, with whom you have established a particularly controlling relationship.
Yesterday, my brother was busy typing up his midterm when I asked him to give it a rest and hit the gym with me. He said, “Hold on. Let me run Spell Check on my paper.” After that, he proceeded to click on your deceptively adorable little icon and allowed you to go through the motions of pretending to edit his paper. You flounced around, offering alluring solutions to his errors. I observed this little interaction, and became enraged. You indifferently brushed over his work, without stopping and thinking about what he meant, or what he wanted to say.
Didn’t you care about him? Didn’t you want him to receive a good grade for his work? No, you were completely satisfied to absorb his undivided attention while you dismissively ruined his future. Thanks to you, my brother no longer knows how to check for his own mistakes, and therefore, might not ever be able to write a decent paper for the rest of his life.
How many times have you bewitchingly flashed your little blue check mark, and drawn red lipstick squiggles under his words to catch his attention in the middle of the night? You make me sick. The type of relationship you have with my brother is inappropriate. These kinds of behaviors continuously lead him on. He feels like he needs you and all you do is lie to him. You’ve got him convinced that you are the angel in his life.
Well, I’m not so gullible. Call me crazy, but I’ve been keeping an eye on you and I’ve managed to figure out exactly why you are of no help to my brother. Here are some of the biggest reasons:
You don’t seem to care very much about word choice. Didn’t you know that there is a big difference between pursuing a career and perusing a career? Apparently, you can’t seem to figure out how to pursue meaning while perusing errors, nor do you peruse meaning while pursuing errors.
Guess what? Putting our eyes before our ease would probably cause us to have excellent vision despite being constantly tired, but it won’t help us with our spelling.
Does a child tell apparent lies or tell a parent lies? My brother shouldn’t be asking you, obviously.
You lazily scan for spelling errors, which means that as long as the word is spelled correctly, you mite knot sea watts ax chew lee wrong. See watt eye mean? Yew knead two bee a wear of yore limb it ay shuns. And sew does he.
I’m sorry. Did I go too far with that one? I’ll bet you’re having a hard time flagging the errors in that last paragraph. At any rate, it proves my case; you’re no good for my brother. In the end, I would appreciate it if you would own up to your deception and leave him alone. He doesn’t need you. Your relationship with him is over. Go back to that menu bar you came from, and if you try to come crawling back to him, I’ll be ready to introduce him to a nice dictionary or thesaurus.